


Across the ocean

by Allison_Goodfellow



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Regret, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allison_Goodfellow/pseuds/Allison_Goodfellow
Summary: Regret the unspoken or rejoice in the beautiful time we spent together? Thank fate for a chance encounter or squeeze a trembling heart with the palm of their hand? How should they feel about being on opposite sides of the world?





	1. to Eiji Okumura

**Author's Note:**

> No one knows what Eiji and Ash were thinking that very day. I decided to try to write their thoughts based on that letter.

[I am very worried because I haven't seen you and I don't know if you are okay]

I don't know if I'll get a chance to say goodbye to you again, Eiji. I'm sorry I couldn't come to the airport to see you. I thought you'd be upset. It would probably have been our last meeting... but I could have dared to do the craziest thing just for that chance... to say goodbye to you all over again. But as a matter of fact, I don't know what to believe in amidst these days of continuous meetings and partings.

Now you are already sitting in the plane and thinking about your upcoming flight, about Japan, about your little hometown. I wonder if you will tell your parents and younger sister about me... I will never know, but I think they would be surprised. My appearance, my life, my country. It's all different from what the Japanese are used to. You once said that I could become a model because of my looks and charm. Yes, it was funny to me, but I'm glad you think so. This world is huge, and by chance we met. Two that are completely different from each other. And yet we became friends.

[I am with you. My soul is always with you]

I've been found and lost again in this big world, but even if that's true, I don't want to die alone. I guess I just want someone to believe in me first. That's really important to me. You said I'm stronger than you, but at the same time I'm bleeding, feeling unbearable pain inside. I grew up in a cruel world where every new day is a game. I have to carry a gun with me to survive. You, on the other hand, wish for me harmony and peace, just to live and enjoy life. However, this is all mere lip service. I put up walls around me, thinking that I would be able to shield myself from pain, that I would be able to make more serious decisions. But as it turns out, they not only protect me, they also limit me. They prevent me from trusting others. With your arrival, cracks began to appear in my walls, gradually destroying them. I know that one day I will break them and be truly free. But until then, I will not be able to accept the world I live in and realise that I am part of it. So please, Eiji, have faith in me.

Eiji. Your name seems so soft, something light, serene. Despite your fragile appearance, you are very brave. The first day we met, you spoke to me in very poor English. You even had the courage to ask me for a gun, and I said yes, I don't know why. You were so close that I could have understood you, seen through who you were, but I was fooled by the sight of my own eyes. You are not who I thought you were. So what happened to me as a result of this madness? Friendship, maybe even a crush... I'll never forget that kiss in prison, but it was forced, I hope you weren't mad at me then. I may have stolen your first kiss. But don't you agree, you enjoyed it?

[I always felt that you are hurt, much more than me – that your soul is wounded]

In a few hours you will be home, Eiji. You'll be sitting by the window, gazing out over endless waters, while on the other side of the ocean I'll be searching for my path to true freedom. You gave me a chance to come with you, but I didn't take it. I can't, Eiji... I'm sorry... I don't want you to suffer for me again. You never heard me screaming in those cruel moments when I was trying not to be at someone else's mercy, when I was on death's doorstep. I'm just trying to live as best I can. Every time I pull the knife out of my body, I'm afraid I might start crying. I've learned not to show weakness, but lately it's not like that. I have seen the asphalt stained with the blood of someone dear to me. I've seen how hard it's been for you, but you've continued to change my life by staying strong. I guess I should say this: "Thank you, Eiji".

[What else do we need?]

The distance between us seems insurmountable. My soothed heart listens to the fading body. It is likely that this road will never end, but will I be able to keep the light I once saw with you? Our parting. Is it a sacrifice for me, broken by the loss of the purest thing in my heart? Eiji, you will always be in my memories. Your whisper, your voice, the warmth of your hands. You are amazing, Eiji. Being around you all this time, I've learned what it means to live for today. You desire to know reality, my world, experiencing a whole palette of emotions inside. I know you are determined. I guess you and I are alike in that.

And if this life has any meaning at all, tell me about it. Having drunk the cup of pain and sorrow to the bottom, I hid behind a carefree smile. You knew it was a lie, Eiji, only now I don't know what's true and what's untrue. But it doesn't matter, I will just gaze up at the sky, longing for a place where I truly belong.

At the start of a new morning, as I fade away, I am relieved. I will no longer look beyond the horizon for that light is always there, hidden inside my soul. It's unlikely we'll see each other again. You know it yourself, only your letter says otherwise. You're just a child, Eiji. A sweet, naive boy. I know it's hard to admit, but it's the right thing to do. I say this because I want to be honest, at least with myself.

– Sayonara, Eiji.


	2. to Ash Lynx

[I am very happy I came to America]

America is amazing. I never thought I'd be able to go there, but Ibe-san insisted that I go with him. Yes, I hesitated for a long time, but I finally made up my mind. I've been to half of Japan, but I've never been abroad. It would have been foolish to miss such an opportunity. As I flew across the Pacific, I thought about what America was like, what people were like, and in what ways we were similar and in what ways we were opposites. I have seen many films, read many books, travel guides, studied the cities, but what I saw amazed me. There is something in the rows of streets that makes you want to touch it. Small cosy cafés, skyscrapers, simple houses with open balconies lined with flowers. On the other hand, America does not like sluggishness or stagnation. This country is constantly evolving, people are in a hurry, and time moves ahead. I even forgot how I got here. I feel that I am very far from home, all I have to do is search and lose, staying in the dark. Then I ignored everyone, wandering aimlessly, immersed in the chaos of my own thoughts. And then you appeared before me, Ash. I don't know how, but you were the one spark that ignited my smoldering heart. But were we looking for each other?

I've learned a lot about you, about your past, but it doesn't seem to be enough to understand you. You may be younger than me, but you look more mature and serious. Appearances can be deceiving, can't they? I'd also say you're very cute when you're angry, and your weird phobia makes you even more adorable. Ahhh, don't be angry, Ash. What you told me about that I'll remember for a long time, because it's your happy childhood memory. In fact, I feel for you, because... it was a living hell that you got sucked into. I can't believe you actually went through that. An innocent victim at someone else's whim. Every time I think about it, my breath collapses in my lungs and tramples me. I don't understand how you overcame... the abuse, the humiliation... You started running away from home knowing what it could lead to, but you're not afraid of the consequences because you always take responsibility. Alone, Ash. You can't rely on anyone, you can't learn to trust. Your perfect fighting skills helped you become head of the district, you are respected, feared, but still, they are all your friends. Please don't do everything alone, because there are people who care about you.

[I think I wanted to protect you from your future]

You're not a killer, Ash. I've heard you cry at night, whispering that your hands are stained with blood, but I pretended not to notice. Killing is just one way of surviving a brutal reality. It's the only way you've been able to become who you are now. The first time we met, you saved me. Without hesitation, without a second thought, you started shooting to protect us all. I also saw you go into a rage and you couldn't stop. Then something flashed in my heart... I decided that I would save you, and from then on, every day for us has been a struggle for freedom. When we are in the darkness, we lose something important and we gain new values. Even so, I may lose my way, but even so, I want to protect you. Ash, I will share your fate.

[You said to me before, «We live in different worlds».]

What is not seen in the light is seen in the dark. I have heard these words from someone, but now they are far away in the azure sky. The rain, the wind, the sun, the cold. We feel them the same no matter where we are. Every night we gaze at the same constellations, see off sunsets and look forward to dawns. We pick wildflowers, we make wishes at the shooting stars, leaving traces of a distant day in our memories. But perhaps you are the only one who knows the bluest of all blue skies. I remember our trip to Cape Cod. That's where we met your father. It must have been painful for you to go back there. There, in the golden fields, you taught me how to shoot. In that moment you were happy, truly happy and free. That's how I want to see you always, to know that your anxious heart is beating for a dream. I am far away from you now, but I have made a wish to see you one day on the other side of the ocean. But how far will we go with just one wish? And where will we go?

Perhaps I have begun to realize too late that you and I are alike. We lack a support in this life, someone close to whom we can pour our souls out. I don't know what you think of me, but you've become that person for me. I was glad to wake up every morning and see you by my side. Usually, after lunch we would go to the library and read books, looking for information to investigate a case. I had fun because I saw a completely different person in front of me, the real Ash Lynx. You're drawn to knowledge, just like me, you enjoy a certain routine of the grey days of an ordinary quiet life that you've been missing. In the evening we would go to the promenade, you would ask about Japan and tell me about America. I listened to every word you said, afraid of missing something. You were always one step ahead, no matter who was next to you, but somehow you were on an equal footing with me. And then I realized that our worlds were not different, only our souls.

[But I never felt scared of you, not even once]

Nature has given you an extraordinary beauty and your mother has given you a beautiful name. Aslan Jade Callenrise. Double names are atypical for Japan, so I didn't even realise how it was. When you told me your real name, I was amazed. The first name means 'dawn', it's the time of your birth. The second one is the name of a gemstone. I think those names really suit you. Gorgeous jade coloured eyes and blond hair, slightly touched by the very first rays of the morning sun.

Be like snow, beautiful but cold, but in the end even it melts. Sometimes a mask of cold indifference can hide the most tender of feelings. Don't deny it, Ash. I know how kind you can be. The silver moon shines in the night sky every night. It's proof that even in the dark there is light. I have seen both sides of your personality. I've wondered for a long time which Ash is the real one. I haven't found the right answer because there isn't one. Ash, you are the madness that can either kill or save. You are the morning light in the golden fields and the flickering lights of the city at night. I've been captivated by you since I first met you, and it's a feeling I never seem to let go of. All I can do now is look at your pictures and wish you the best. You probably think I'm too sentimental. Ash, forgive me for this, but... you're attracted to my sincerity, perhaps stupidity and naivety... the real me. I could say the same about you. I'm willing to accept you, just take one step towards me.

[Sayonara, America. Sayonara, New York…]

Sometimes memory keeps us from letting go of the past, but our thoughts, through new encounters, can free ourselves from memories, and then they open up to the future. I didn't notice how quickly my time in America flew by, although there were times when I thought it would never end. There were times when I missed home, missed my family, but it hurt the most when I thought of you, Ash. I guessed you might not come to the airport, but for some reason I hoped for the last time. I put one ticket to Japan in the letter. It's for you, Ash.

All the days are intertwined. My "yesterday" when I noticed I wasn't alone... Your "today" when you got up even though you were covered in blood... Someone else's "tomorrow" that he won't survive even though he wants to live... Together we've been through a lot, and I realized that with me you can be free, you can change your future.

Is your freedom hidden in my hands? Do I have the right to drag you down with me? I did not know the answers. I knew clearly that from now on you and I could no longer be together. Maybe I did not want to look for answers, I just wanted to go on a journey with you. An immense life still awaited us. Before us stretched the inevitable plain with no end in sight. One day, when I can't return to you, I won't get lost, because you will always be in my slowly smouldering heart.

– Goodbye, Ash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BLUE ENCOUNT – Freedom (OP2)

**Author's Note:**

> Survive Said The Prophet – RED (ED2)


End file.
